I CAME OUT STRONGER and WISER

    not myself Collage

Finish the Sentence Friday

This week’s sentence is I wasn’t myself when I…”

I wasn’t myself when I...had Dino. I had undiagnosed preeclampsia and had an emergency c-section at 35 weeks.  I had to be let into a secured and locked room just to hold my son for a half an hour at a time. I had to watch other moms all around me get to hold, see, feed, and love their babies whenever they wanted. I had to leave the hospital without my newborn and drive everyday just to see him. I had listen to other people tell me stories and unsolicited advice on how to relax and just feel better. I had to have people look at me like I was suffering from depression when I was just upset that I couldn’t take my newborn son home. I had to go through two months of breast infections until I just gave up and chose formula and left go of the guilt.

tiny dino

I wasn’t myself when I…When I was laid off for budget cuts and couldn’t find another teaching job. Why pay an experienced, highly qualified and certified reading specialist when you can hire a new teacher and pay them much less? I had to watch as our money slowly slipped away and our condo that we owned for ten years was no longer ours. I had pack up and move to an apartment and let go of dreams that I thought would be easily attainable, but no longer.

What did I learn form all this? I learned to trust my gut even when everyone is telling you it’s nothing or you should do this and that. I learned to trust in my instincts as a mom and know what I was doing with my son was the best for both of us. I stopped worrying and wishing and started focusing on what beautiful joys and blessings I have. 

happy mom

I’m a mom! I’m a mom of a thriving, wild, intelligent, sweet, caring, happy, healthy, and energetic boy.  We are living in place with a backyard for Balboa and Anthony to play. A place where Dino can ride his bike, make chalk creations on the driveway, and play in a little pool. We have a garage and basement for storage and can grill whenever we choose.

first ride on his driveway

look at all this space momMy dreams and wishes have come true…just a bit differently. I am stronger and wiser. I am happier knowing that God is there, watching us and guiding us. Sure the roads are not easy, but the rewards are wonderful. I am happy where I am now. I am happy with what I have and appreciate what I have.

 

Dino and I reviewed the book

No Jumping on the Bed by Tedd Arnoldover at

logo

Do you think we both liked it? Does Dino jump on HIS bed? How about mommy?

Well go THERE to find the answer.


Comments

I CAME OUT STRONGER and WISER — 29 Comments

  1. Cannot believe how tiny Anthony was. Seriously, I can’t even imagine, but this was a huge fear I had during my pregnancy with Lily when I started to spot at only 21 weeks. I was told that viability was 24 weeks. I literally checked myself everyday for no more spotting and when I hit 24 weeks, I pushed for the goal of 27 and then it was 30 and onto 32 until finally I was at 39 weeks being induced. Seriously never in a million years thought I would make it to that point, but seriously just thanked god over and over that I did.

    And you already know I can also so relate on teaching, as well as losing the teaching job with this lovely economy.

    Karen, thank you for linking you wonderful post and didn’t think it was possible to love you any more then I did, but I do!! 🙂

    • LOVE LOVE LOVE You babe…but then if you met me in person I just may drive you mad, LOLOLOL

      I remember when I held average sized babies…they felt so heavy to me, LOL…but he doubled and trippled in size and within a year there was no evidence of being premature.

      I still have one of his preemoie outfits and put it next to him each birthday…as I see him next to teh outfit…I can’t believe he was that small.

      as soon as we know there is life inside of us, we love him/her…no wavering on that. No matter how long till the end of our pregnancy, we fight for them…a mother’s love is so powerful, a power we don’t realize until we are put in a situation to test it.

      I can’t even imagine having to be away from Dino for that long…I would feel so torn, as you did. But what a blessing you have now Janine.

  2. My heavens, he was tiny! I’m sure both experiences were beyond difficult. Amazing how such trials can lead to such happiness. It’s a great attitude you have.

    • yeah…when I held average sized babies they felt HUGE to me, LOL

      I figure if I stay in the negative then I will not only always be unhappy, but also teach my son how NOT to be happy either.

  3. He was so tiny! So glad you are able to focus on the positives and count your blessings! I used to be a teacher, too. I chose to quit working and become a SAHM, but, at the time, I thought “Well, I can always go back if money gets too tight.” I know that is not the case now and sometimes I seriously wonder what I would do if we got into to pinch and I had to go back to work.

    • It’s cray now Lisa, I was lucky to get the same position at a similar school…otherwise I would still be unemployed. I know so many teachers who are let go before they get tenure to hire a new/cheaper teacher…so sad.

  4. I bet you were NOT yourself when your little newborn stayed in the hospital!!! Any little hiccup at that juncture is so stressful and the bigger issues must be paralyzing. It sounds like you are well-equipped to handle the tough times and come out on top of your game!:)

    • It was horrifying, though I know other babies were much smaller and in worse situations than Dino. I am very lucky I got to take him home after two weeks.

      After all that, I could probably handle anything now…nto that I don’t want to have to try, LOL

  5. On the one hand, it sounds like a gift to go through labor and have a “break” before having to get yourself together and start being a Mom to your little one – probably the last chance for a hot shower in a while – but on the other hand, it’s like a kid getting their absolute favorite toy for Christmas and being told they can’t play with it. Traumatic separation anxiety. 🙁 Love the comment about the house and being able to grill whenever you want. I’m in an apartment now and am frustrated at not having any place to grow herbs, etc. Tried inside, but between AC and dehumidifier (apt. partially subterranean), that didn’t go over well. 🙁

    • in my original birth plan I was going to let him stay in the nursery so I could get sleep…never did I imagine I would get this much of a break, LOL
      That;s how it was in my condo…felt like we were i na prison compared to how we are now.

  6. Wow, lady, you knock my socks off! I can’t imagine what that experience must have been like for you. I had a close friend who also had preeclampsia and delivered at 28 weeks. She almost died and their NICU experience was so scary. I think you must emerge from something like that as a completely transformed person. You have my utmost respect, and you are right, you are a stronger person with an incredible sense of gratitude for the wonderful life that you have. Thank for sharing your story so honestly with us!

    • oh no your poor friend. My mom only told me afterwards that I could have stroked out on the table because of the preeclampsia…still wouldn’t have changed my mind about getting Anthony out first. TOny was like take care of my wife and I was like NO…take care of my baby.

      thanks babe, but as I was in there…I kept looking at the other babies and was thankful that Dino was bigger than them at only 4lbs 6oz

  7. EEEP to Dino’s toes in that photo and wow. I can’t imagine leaving the hospital without him. That must have been the hardest thing ever. Also, I’m sorry that you lost your condo but am so glad that you have such a lovely place for Dino to play now. It truly is amazing to gain perspective on how blessed we are now after looking at rough times. I was on bedrest with Tucker and was terrified of losing him or having him before 32 weeks. I look at him today and think – wow. That worked out how it was supposed to.
    I’m so glad you shared this story!

    • that was the hardest part…leaving without him…knowing I couldn’t hold him when I wanted…Probably why I still hug and kiss him all the time…to make up for that time. 🙂

      YES…it all works out…you realize what you have accomplished and can take on more with ease.

  8. My roommate from college had triplets and they were each like 2 pounds. She went every day for months to see them. They are ten now and thriving. But it was astounding to me how small they were – everyone was worried except Kate. She just knew they’d be fine. Sometimes I think it surprises us when the worst things happen, the things we worry about late at night…and we survive them. It’s empowering in a round about way.

    • yes, it is empowering…you find the strength for yourself and others.

      I can’t imagine 2 pounds, Dino was 4lbs 6oz…and I thought that was small.

    • yes God is good…he gave us a miracle through IVF and was with Dino in the NICU…I KNOW HE was there with my son. I think that is why Dino has such a blessed and kind soul.

  9. Hardest thing ever is to leave a baby in the nursery. Mine was in for 5 1/2 weeks, I could barely function. My little girl has been home for a few months and I am Convinced that you never get over that constant need to kiss and hug them and just watch them. I never realized how fragile and miraculous a baby is until you hold a 3 pound scrawny baby in your hands…

    • OMG babe! I can’t even imagine over a month. I had Dino back in two weeks (HUGS) NO…even as a four year old…heck even when he’s 20 I will still need to hug and kiss him…to know that he is okay!

      Dino was 4lb 6oz…but 3lbs…wow…it is so scary…but yes a miracle…I am still amazed that he is mine.

  10. Sometimes it amazes me by what we think we want/need for our future and then how that can change. I am glad you have a place Dino can play outside.

    Your little Dino was so tiny! God grants us miracles in many sizes — the smallest packages are the best — What a post!

    • thanks babe…oh yes a miracle from the first moment the doctors implanted him as a three-day old embryo. Losing our condo was tough, but I like where we are now.

  11. {Melinda} Beautiful. I find that the times that I felt the most helpless and the times that were the hardest are the times that God used to strengthen my resolve and my character. And then often He allowed me to see later how He was going to use that strength later in other situations down the road. You are a beautiful mother and I can see beautiful things in how you parent your sweet son. <3

  12. Wow! Can’t believe how tiny he was. And I cannot imagine going through only seeing him for 30 minutes at a time. That’s all I could hold mine for and have him out of his bed, but the nurses let me stay as much as I wanted. I read him books while he was sleeping in the incubator and recorded stuff in his baby book. I took naps right beside him. I can’t imagine getting through the three weeks of NICU moomyhood (or new mommy boot camp, as I liked to call it) without those things! You’re an amazingly strong woman!

Would love to read your thoughts