Parents of only children hear it all the time: won't they be lonely? Won't they be spoiled? The stereotype is more than a century old. The research that followed it is far more reassuring.
Where the stereotype came from
In the late 1890s, researchers working with the American psychologist G. Stanley Hall surveyed descriptions of "peculiar and exceptional" children and concluded that only children were at a disadvantage. Hall himself is often quoted as saying that being an only child was a disease in itself. The study was small and its methods would not pass muster today, but the idea stuck.
What later studies found
- Large reviews find few differences. In the 1980s, psychologists Toni Falbo and Denise Polit reviewed more than a hundred studies. They found only children broadly similar to children with siblings on personality and social adjustment, and slightly ahead on measures of achievement and verbal ability.
- Early social gaps tend to fade. Some research has found that young only children start school with slightly less practice at certain social skills, such as sharing and handling conflict. Later studies of teenagers found that by adolescence only children had about as many friends as their peers.
- Family matters more than family size. Warmth, consistent rules and chances to play with other children seem to matter far more than whether there is a brother or sister at home.
Research on families is complicated, and studies differ in how they measure things, so it is fair to say the picture is not perfectly settled. But there is little evidence for the gloomy stereotype.
Myth and reality
- Spoiled
- Studies generally do not find only children more selfish when parenting is consistent
- Lonely
- Most only children have friendships like their peers; opportunities to socialise matter
- Bossy
- Early differences in sharing and conflict skills tend to narrow with school
- Over-achievers
- Some studies find a small advantage in achievement, often linked to parental attention
What actually helps an only child
- Regular time with other children: cousins, neighbours, playgroups, clubs and sports.
- Real responsibilities at home so the child contributes rather than just receives.
- Room to solve their own problems, including small disagreements with friends.
- A parent's own social life, which models friendship and gives the child a break from being the centre of attention.
The upside nobody mentions
Only children often enjoy a lot of one-to-one conversation with adults, which may help explain their verbal strengths. Many grow comfortable with their own company and good at entertaining themselves. Family travel, activities and time are easier to share. None of this makes one family shape better than another, but it is a useful antidote to the old warnings.
Practical next step: read our guide to helping an only child make friends.